Suicidal thoughts is not just the name of a great song by Biggie Smalls. Suicidal thoughts are a way of life. Since I was 15 my mind has wandered over into the death of myself territory. Sometimes life, school, family etc were too much to bear. See I have a theory that some of us are in tune to the spiritual world. Not sounding like a bunch of witches and shamans but some of us are not separated from the mental and spiritual.  The damage done to a regular person over a trivial issue is far less than the attuned. It used to be known as being touch with your emotions. I take it a step further and call it being in touch with your soul.  Whenever someone walks or tries to walk in the light the darkness is constantly surrounding them and chasing akin to rabid dogs. This darkness is a constant shadow threatening to overtake you.
 
It starts as being increasing sad. This sadness is different because it is soon joined by its cousin misery. Misery is very deceptive as it clouds your vision. Misery is as close to schizophrenia as the average person will ever know. You start to not trust what you see and hear. Things you know are true (your mother’s love, job security, partners fidelity) slowly but surely become hallucinations. Images that you’re not sure are there. It’s like a living horror movie where you can clearly see a monster nobody else can.
 
Sadness and misery soon have another visitor inside your mind/spirit his name is loneliness. 
He is a visitor that never quite leaves. His presence starts the transmogrifying process where thought becomes action. Sadness and Misery separate you from the rest of the world. Loneliness he is there to make sure you don’t forget it. He peeks and prods around your mind making you remember all the times in your life where you felt like a square in a round hole. The times where nothing you did got you attention from anyone.  He reminds you of 9th grade at the dance where no one even looked at you and you felt like biggest loser in the world.  He reminds you of waiting for your father to call you your birthday. Those seconds becoming minutes which became hours which in some cases became never.  But he is mostly there to make room for the worst of the bunch. This last one is horrible. So horrible that those who meet him will undoubtedly think suicide is the answer. I like to call this one DOUBT.  See sadness, misery, loneliness are all the dragons of the big bad. They cause harm but they in reality work for one individual. Doubt is what makes people have the connection between thinking someone loves you and knowing that nobody cares. 
 
Doubt is ultimate enemy not because it seeps out the immediate emotional response of the latter emotions. No doubt is far worse because doubt makes one have a thought that you should end your misery. Doubt makes you believe for awhile that not existing is better than the hell your in. See the annoying phrases of “it all gets better”, “this too shall pass” and (my favorite) “get past it” all have canyon size holes poked in their logic. Suicidal thoughts are not something that just passes and you can will yourself out of. When you get to the point of suicide it makes you blind.  The future never occurs to you. But if it does its all within the scope of “if I’m in pain now I’ll be in pain forever”.  This pain is indescribable to those who never have been at the lowest point. This pain is nothing that drugs, sex, alcohol can fix. But you try the former just to get away for awhile. You get high to cloud your mind and make those voices stop. The voices of death, despair and depravity. You drink and sleep around just to feel something other than the crushing weight on your soul that wants to kill you.  And one day you come to a fork in the road. One side is the road to healing and recovery. The other is a road to ending your life. Depending on your mind state both seem like good choices. Both seem like a means to the end. Both seem like a way to have peace.   Ultimately its up to every one of us to decide how we want to achieve out peace. The easy way or the hard way. So think about that next time your mind goes the dark place in us all.