The reason(s) I'm single

My name is Preach and I am single. Having done alot of soul searching I can pin point why I am currently sans woman. I have literally spent most of my past 27 years trying NOT to be various people. They are
my father, the last man that hurt her and a simp. In trying to not be like these me I lost myself in the process. Bouncing from relationship to relationship , woman to woman  never taking time to learn from my mistakes. Seeing that I'm in a "dry" season so to speak I've been afforded the chance to see what caused me to single currently.
MY FATHER
Not to put too much of my family business out there but he was not a good man or father to be honest. He was abusive , absent , and not a good influence. Seeing how he treated and damaged my mother before they divorced made me DETERMINED to never ever treat a woman bad. During this period of my life I was super nice to the point of being a doormat. I catered to every woman I was into like I was campaigning for office. I apologize for things I KNOW i didn't do wrong and was basically a overall pushover. Not wanting to ever be the brute or player my pops was I didn't embrace my full nature. Humans are dual natured creatures. To not embrace your whole self is a form of lying. Sometimes you get angry, sometimes your an ass, sometimes you just don't care.  Its about controlling and tapering the darkness in yourself rather than flat out ignoring it.

THE LAST MAN (PREVIOUSCATS)
 To paraphrase Musiq Soulchild I'm not Steven , Anthony even, Leroy or Ivan. This period was me trying dealing with alot of bitter and heartbroken women. Something in me felt the need to prove that I can the proverbial Good Black Man. I won't lie to you, steal from you, I'm in school, I have a career I'm much better than the last guy you were with etc... I was a walking r-n-b love song. Always playing the therapist to woman and listening intently to her fears and insecurities. 3 am phone calls about thug life Tyrell and cheating ass Keith were the norm. While I do recognize the importance of knowing past pain and hurt at some point cry a river and build a bridge to get over it. I was so determined to prove myself yet again I inadvertently forgot who I was. Unknowingly I pursued women that had been hurt because I thought heres my time to shine. To be a knight in armour and make this woman realize the all encompassing good man is here to the rescue. Theres no perfect man and if there was I'd be very far from it. I got bad habits and I can work a nerve VERY well. I can be jealous, moody, aloof and various other things that at this point are my personality. However I don't have to go around just showing my nice guy side to show a woman I can be the man for her. Its OK to embrace your inner asshole.

THE SIMP
Now because I spent so much time being nice a certain energy in me built up. Every action has a equal and opposite reaction or so I'm told. Every time I tried being overly nice I ended up becoming angry.  This was a slow steaming pile of anger mix becoming far too hot on the stove. When it boiled over I basically did most of the things I tried so hard to avoid in my " Last man" days.  Nothing too sleazy but enough to warrant thoughts if I was full of sh#t. Which during this period I pretty much was. I could find you the best lines to get what I want. Each woman was a lock and i was thrilled to find out the right combination to get "in" so to speak.  Every moment of being a "player" it felt like I was taking back the power from the women. No more comparing myself to the last guy because I am the last guy. No more caring about how or what I said because if you did not like it you could kick rocks. It was cathartic to for once in life not care and enjoy not caring. Until I lost literally the best woman I have had or hope to have in life. All the game playing caught up to me and drove her away. Not wanting to be played to the left anymore caused me to ultimately play myself. 

You see I forgot the most important lesson in all this. Do unto others as they would do unto you. Don't fake the funk with people. Don't  spend your life being who you think people want you to be. If you do your gonna have a painful realization that you don't know who you are.  Life becomes one big memory. Everything you did yesterday is connected to how you act today and may act tomorrow. Negativity eats up everything in its path. Its a ravenous creature that will consume you. Be yourself and free yourself that's ultimately all you can do in life. Knowing what I know now I am determined to work on myself and become a better man. Not for a woman or relationship but for me.  Honesty is the best policy so stop lying to yourself.