My SuperHero

If  you are anything like me you did not grow up with the best of circumstances or with every little thing you wanted. But if you had the mother I had you got everything you needed. From encouragement, love, kick in the pants...your mom has been there for you. She has believed in you even when there was no future in it. To me my mom is my superhero. Other kids grew up thinking Batman could beat up Captain America or they wondered if the Hulk was stronger than Superman. NO

not I because I knew the truth. I knew that my mother could kick both their behinds. With a raise of her eyebrow or the clearing of her throat she would make Batman clean up his bat cave and make the hulk find some clothes that fit.

See my mommas bad to the bone. Worked full time, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs raised 2 kids and never lost the cool in her step. One time I was sick and could not make it to a school field trip. I was so upset I cried and asked my mom was there anything she could do.

She went to her room grabbed her belt and cracked it one time. She cracked her belt so loud Monday became Sunday again. Tuesday asked for her apology and Wednesday said he would take her out to dinner.

I told you my mom is bad.  She never complained because she knew it would not make her situation better. Instead she showed me the realest thing ever in life.  FAITH…Imma say it again FAITH. She pressed and pulled on God the way a believer should.  Then she led my sister and me to have the same faith. To believe and know that you know that YOU know God loves you. Sometimes I still hug my mom and rub her back checking for wings because I thought she was a part-time angel.

Another level of awesomeness my mother achieved ( +20 points) was that she was kind but trill. ( TRILL: adjective meaning triple real)

When I went thru my want to be a thug phase she didn’t whimper in a corner. She spoke softly and carried a left hook. With the sweetest voice she told me “ I love you , I truly do. But I’ll kill you before I let the streets have you.” She loved me enough to threaten my life . My momma bad to the bone.

Her most achievement has been the fire that has been alive in her. My mom is in her early 50’s now.  I don’t know about your parents but something about 50 makes men and women become who they REALLY are.  She doesn’t take any mess and will shut you up because she knows the game. Time after time my mom has pointed out little games women I was involved with were playing.  Now in her own personal relationships she has developed a little motto. LOVE ME ,LIKE ME, OR LEAVE ME.

Which basically amounts to I can do with you or do without you. I can really do bad all by myself. So fellas if you want to talk to my mom please get it together.  She makes me proud because she’s NOT a lifetime movie stereotype. Having or not having a man will not break her so save the game.  When you get to be an elder in this life you have earned your stripes most guaranteed.

My mom has been many things in my life. Mommy, confidant, best friend, dictator, cheerleader ,accountant, coach, sound board , etc…

But even if that all stopped my mom has been the one thing every last one of needs. She’s the angel God sent here before me to look after me.  She is my mom and it honestly does not get any better than that.

Laugh now, Cry later

"Times go by puffin la hoping that it gets me high

got a  nigga going crazy”

2Pac  Krazy

In life it seems that it’s a constant cycle of sanity and insanity. For every sane and comfortable moment we have there is an insane moment on the horizon.  Life can be a series of downs or ups depending on your world view or medication dosage. Knowing this can make life seem like a whirlwind of trying times. But to paraphrase a great idea/mediocre movie ,“Revenge of the Sith”, it all depends on your point of view.  See as I have gotten older I have seen what happens when the sheer power of the mind goes against the world/universe. The mind will always win that battle. There have been many reports of people living longer by embracing their age and just laughing. Laughter is so key to navigating this thing called life. No one wants to grow up and the old grumpy , elderly person. No one wants to grow up just stuck in the past also. For some people the 80’s was THERE time. They were in full blast and had the world in their hands. Fast forward about 20 years and they can not understand nor appreciate anything resembling youth.  Before I started school at the BEST HBCU/SCHOOL in the land, (North Carolina A&T State University AGGIE PRIDE!!), my mom had a friend named hunny bun. Do not ask me why a grown man allowed himself to be called hunny bun but I digress. He went to college for about a year and a half. Well that year and half was the BEST time of his life. Everything about him seemed stuck on college years. Every story, joke, and piece advice came from his 18 months at school.  That’s when I decided to never allow myself to be stuck so in the past. Life’s a trip but at least enjoy the trip.  Since meeting him I knew I wanted to enjoy everyday because I refuse to have my 4.5 years at A&T to be the BEST time of my life.  The best time of your life is NOW. So often the up and downs of life makes us fall into routines. Wake up, go to work, eat lunch, come home, bs on the internet, go to sleep, REPEAT. Before you know it your 50 years old and have never really done anything. One of my favorite plays is Pill Hill. About a group of African American plant workers in Pittsburgh. All of them have big dreams and goals except for one. As the play goes on they all slowly realize that factory working is not meant for them…except one. The one that has no goals just keeps waiting for a few more checks. A better time frame to do something. Well surprise surprise…that time never came.  Everyone around him has gone on because they did not want the wake up. The wake up is the moment of singularity in your life. The moment where you are no longer young but nowhere near old. The moment where if your going to go for a goal it better be now. Because if you allow it to pass you…you WON'T get it back. Some people see this a mile away while others have to go thru a car accident, parental death, debilitating sickness.  The richest place on earth is a graveyard. It is filled with the dreams, goals, talent, and ideas of millions.  Too many people let the dreary bottom view of today cloud their tomorrow. But even saying that is avoiding what can be a great horror or mind numbing liberation. THERE IS NO TOMORROW. You only have today. Your life is destined to become one BIG memory. Tomorrow is an ideal as fleeting as world peace. Sounds cute, looks nice on a bumper sticker but never actually comes.  So now knowing this please realize that you are alive. You are here..right here right now. Nothing can hold you back but you.  Go after your dreams but by GOD, Jesus, Buddha, Allah or whoever  you worship DO IT NOW.  Know your worth , take the hit and do something. The only thing worse than a caged animal is one that use to be free. On the inside it knows its environment is fake. It has a glimmer in the eye of the freedom of the wild.  Do not become that animal.  Laugh loud, be corny, approach the girl you have NO hopes of getting, give your family their flowers while their alive( DON’T BE THE LOUD CRYING RELATIVE WHOS LAST WORDS TO THE DECEASED WERE I WSH U DIE) , BE YOU, don’t worry, and always know that whatever happens if you are given a chance to see the next today….you got one more chance to get it right.

My name is Preach and I just told you the truth

Why Men WON'T date you OR for women who say the rainbow is not bright enuff at the end of the yellow brick rainbow and im just adding words at this point

Alright Ladies it is TIME for some tough love. It seems that people today rather tell a soft lie than a hard truth. That truth being that there quite a few habits/personality traits that are keeping you from having a man.
This post is not to make fun or berate you all. Its merely to help you recognize the annoying shit you do that causes men penises to shrink. * NOTE* every rule has an exception and what annoys one man(or woman) may not apply to the next. *NOTE NOTE* Just because the rule has an exception does not mean its a free pass either...you know who I'm talking :-/

TOO NOSY TOO SOON: Stop wanting to know so much so soon. Trust us all falsehood is soon discovered. Until then relax , relate, release...

MALE GIRLFRIENDS:  I don't care if you served in Iraq and he saved your life. I do NOT trust any man claiming to JUST being friends.  Men don't make friends on purpose after the age of 13.  I got my eye on him....

ARE I DATING YOU OR YOUR FAMILY:  I love the fact your close to you family. I love that you and parents are friends .. BUT you are a grown ass woman. You should make the decisions for you not them. Tell Aunt Rachel I said what up though..

CLUB RAT: You work hard so you should play hard. But why the hell are you partying all the time. Do I look like Eddie Murphy?? Stay home some damn time. Let the bartender miss you... When club promoters and doorman/security know you by name and you don't OWN the club...SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE

ITS JUST FACEBOOK CALM DOWN: There's a difference between a poke on facebook and a poke in person. Chill out... I can't control what someone puts on my page..stop checking it 3 times a day. Actually if you got that much time somethings wrong.

NICE THUGS: 2Pac with a Yale degree does NOT exist. Stop wanting a type of man that does not exist. Soap operas and Zane novels have rotted the common sense part of your brain. Real thugs are not real good love matches. Don't be the bitter old woman mad that you let 3 nice Larry's go for a crazy ass Darnell.

YOUR LEFT EYE: So your ex punched you in your left eye every Tuesday for 2 years..and you stayed. I am late picking you up from work maybe 3 times and you ready to break up. Stop treating the good guy the way YOU SHOULD HAVE treated the bad guy.

THE DUTCH QUESTION: Yes I am a gentleman with a kind heart. Yes I believe in treating a woman the way a man should treat my mother. Now with that being said..could you at least OFFER to pay a few times. Chances are I won't let you but can I just get some semblance of appreciation of the funding of the date.

SPORTS TEAM: If you were friends with  alot of men on the football ,basketball , or track team in school or now... keep that to yourself. Most men don't like women with alot of male friends which is more so if they played sports. Not to group you all together but honestly... as an outsider the females that hung around or knew the team were groupies. So if you have a funny story about letting your football buddies bench press you in college keep it to yourself

ULTIMATE WARRIOR: Every argument does not need to explode into Wrestlemania. Men respond to yelling from other men by getting physical. We can't do that with a woman so we tend to just tune out. Talking to us let an adult instead of a child will  go far. You get more flies with honey than vinegar.

So ladies there you have it a small list of what REALLY bugs the piss out of us men. If you can work on these things I absolutely promise you may one day possibly have or not have a man. So please digest the list and pass it on.

PREACH OWT

Life lessons learned from Comedy

As many of you know..my name is Preach the Comedian. I did not choose that name by chance. I am a stand up comedian by trade. I slang jokes for a living in addition to having a regular job. During this process in my life going from the funny dude at a party to the funny guy on stage I have learned some things.  The lessons I have learned have been easily used in my personal life as well as my professional life.  So I wanted to share what I learned in hopes it can be a blessing to somebody out there.

1.       LIFE IS A MAFIA FAMILY:  In comedy except for the top 1% of nationally known comics, every state and region is built on a mafia family system. There’s a head of each state that like it or not you have to respect. Showing respect means going on dead last at 2 in the morning or going on first when there’s 4 people in a crowd.  Like in life you got to learn to eat sh%t and like the taste of it at times. Nobody is going to co-sign on somebody who never earned their keep in the family. The reason so many unfunny comedians are out here is that they are “made men”.  meaning their close to a big name and will always get work. In life you got to know when to be a loner and when to align yourself with more powerful people. Everybody is connected and you never know who’s watching. I’ve seen people get gigs because somebody they didn’t know was watching them was looking at them.

2.       PAYBACKS A MUTHA(SHUT YO MOUTH): As shown in the previous lesson being a head of state or region comes with a certain amount of power. The power to pull someone up from the trenches of smoke filled bars to actual clubs where you make pay role. Or the power to blackball you and make success very hard. There’s many a comedian that is out the game for disrespecting the wrong person. This attitude comes from when people were nobodies and the old heads messed them over. The people you step on going up are the same ones you beg favors from when your on the way down.

3.       RESPECT THE GAME:  Anytime I tell someone I am a comedian the first thing they  always say is “tell me a joke” .  I had to learn thru trial and error that you should never tell a joke when asked by strangers. That’s disrespectful to the game. Never let someone get something for free when they can pay for it. You HAVE to value your talents to a point that people are willing to pay for your services. Giving out free samples is  for freshman.  You have to graduate in the game sometime. I’ve performed for FREE in clubs, rooms, bars, strip clubs, restaurants, a DOORWAY… ill be damned if imma going to give you a free sample just to prove I’m funny. Only thing free in this world is air so keep on breathing.

4.       GOODBYE MR. ME TOO: Comedy is an art not a science. There’s no exact way to be funny. However people think that just because they can make their cousins laugh at a BBQ they can get onstage and do what I do. When I tell a joke I am using a formula to give you a piece of my psyche.  It is not a easy task and must be respected as such. The most annoying thing in the world are people who claim to do what you can do. If it was that easy everybody would do it.  Life is nothing but a put up or shut up game. Don’t sit on the couch saying you can do the same thing. Don’t be a Mr. Me Too.  Get in where you fit in.

5.       IT AINT WHERE YOU FROM ITS WHERE YOU AT: In most comedy circuits you clubs and rooms. Clubs are places where people PAY to see comedians. Rooms are places that just so happen to have comedy on Thursday nights(i.e. bars, restaurants, strip clubs).  In a club people have paid money so they WANT to laugh. Which means you can do mediocre material and get a lot of laughs. Rooms tend to be free so people are hostile. You have to earn your laughter. In life you have to be able to adjust to your surroundings. Everyday is a totally new experience.  Yesterdays success does not mean anything today. In every situation one walks into you have to learn to read the room. Reading the room is essential to a comedian. It tells you what jokes will work and what should not be done. Most jobs I’ve gotten I got more off my ability to read the interviewer and adjust my answers.  Adjustment is the lifeblood of success. Just know that yesterdays adjustment is not todays.

Dying of thirst

Thirst’y (adjective) [thurstee]
1.       desiring

Having a strong desire or craving     



Ladies and gentlemen does the aforementioned statement apply to you? If it does then you M ‘am or Sir may be thirsty. And that does not bode well for companionship.  Now I know what you’re thinking , maybe,  I’m not thirsty I just like to show my interest and if the other person can’t hang then it’s THEIR fault.  No….  thirstiness is not sexy at all. It’s actually pretty irritating and confusing on how somebody can be so damn desperate. Thirstiness is a form of abuse.  When I say I have to get off the phone to do something and you plead for me to not go..that’s ABUSE.. Your abusing my time. When a woman accepts your drink you bought and you FOLLOW her all around the club like a baby duck…that’s ABUSE..Your abusing her patience. When you send a text message asking where someone is AFTER leaving more than 1 message…that’s ABUSE. Your abusing someone’s LAST nerve.  I’ve compiled a list that are a few examples of signs of thirst. If you’re seeing yourself over and over in this list PLEASE SEEK HELP.

1.       CALLING/TEXTING MULTIPLE TIMES IN A DAY:
Chances are if you call/text somebody and  can’t reach them they are (say it with me ) BUSY!!!
Don’t bombard someone with messages over and over again if its not an emergency. AND by emergency I mean
somebody died, your house was robbed  etc… Not something like “what movie did you say you want to see again?”

2.       PROVING A POINT :
The only thing worse than someone who is thirsty is someone who is VERY thirsty. Case in point having the need to prove a point to impress a mate. Normally your 5’5 self wouldn’t have dared to talk so reckless to the 6’10 350 pound gentlemen that bumped into you. But something in that pea brain head of yours said it might be cool to get into a fight to impress old girl in the corner. Show her how hard I am. VERYSTUPIDIDEA.COM .  Tough guys are really cool to men. While women want a man to have their back they don’t want to keep bailing you out the jail because somebody “looked” at you wrong.
          

3.       PERPS:
These people are far worse than the last two because you can at least admit the character flaw. Perps or fakers are very low because being real and honest doesn’t appeal to  them. Fake jewelry, rented car, borrowed clothes from your home girl closet, fake accents, overly loud, have a gun but won’t actually pull it are but mere symptoms of the perp. It’s not 1993 when you could lie and say you related to the members of Jodeci. We have a thing called the internet (and FaceBook) and its far too simple to check out who and what you really are. You aint got to lie to kick it…


4.       SIMPIN’ AINT EASY BUT ITS ALL GOOD:
Simp behavior is easy to classify because  it’s funny as hell. Thirstiness is usually shown by being Overly available.
Doing dumb stuff like listening to your potential interest cry about no good cheating Keith, taking her and her son to dinner and a movie,  taking her to the  store and babysitting her son while she goes to  her jump offs JAMALs house to “release” some stress. That’s simp behavior. Ladies just because you like a man doesn’t mean he needs to get all the relationship benefits upfront. Cooking for him, cleaning HIS dirty butt crib, giving money and just getting played left and right. PLEASE grow a backbone and require people treat you as well as you treat them.

5.       LATE , LOUD AND WRONG:
This is fairly simple to notice. If you have this need to be loud or “extra” then you’re thirsty. As Denzel Washington said in his portrayal of Frank Lucas in American Gangster  “The loudest person in the room is the weakest person in the room.”  Don’t start nothing you can’t finish. If you open doors..always open doors..don’t do it for 4 months then quit. Which leads back to watching your mouth. People will always remember what you promise them. It’s human nature to remember what benefits you.  So either do it or don’t… you will or wont. Stop being so thirsty.

10 Lessons learned in 2010

1. If everybody on Twitter is winning then who is losing to the winners?

2. Idiots reproduce very quickly. Its like their sperm/eggs are on some super mutated growth serum.

3. A man has 3 missions in life. Protect, Provide and Guide...if you aren't doing that..Your not a man.

4. Life is not short nor is it long..life is life

5.Live life like you would tell yourself to in 10 years

6.Dreaming big hurts nobody

7. Thinking small shows a lack of faith

8.Your mental health is important ...dont slack on it

9. Make mistakes and enjoy them

10.  fill in the blank

The Prayer 12/19/10

Dear Father
As we come here today first and foremost I want to give you thanks and praise for your presence in our life.
I thank you for allowing us to be alive today.
I thank you for being the guiding light in our lifes.
I thank you and praise you for your hand being upon our souls today father.
I praise you and thank you for allowing your son to shed his blood for the forgiveness of our sins.
As we come to you right now we humbly ask you for favor this week God.
For healing those of us that need healing . No matter if its mental health, physical health or spiritual health please heal us.
You said in your word PSALM 30:2 "O lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me."
You said in your word PROVERBS 17:22 " A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
We thank you today for our healing.
We thank you for allowing us to live the lives you have ordained for us to live.
We ask you for direction and guidance in this world.
For allowing us to not fall into the traps of mediocre or apathy.
To allow us to achieve what you have set forth in our hearts and become a blessing unto others.
We bind up all sources of negativity and distraction from our lives.
We bind up all feelings of  hurt and pain brought on by ourselves or others.
Your word says "Search me, O God , and know  my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." PSALM 139:23
We praise and thank you for the energy and ability to walk thru these days you've set forth.
We thank you for forgiving us of our sins albeit word,thought, or deed.
We thank you Father and love you.
In your sons Jesus holiest and most immaculate name of names.
We say
Amen